It was a sunny afternoon on a beach in Honolulu. The entire area was packed to the brim with enough white people to make Al Sharpton cry in the corner with a crucifix. It was a day of fun, relaxation, and another 400 dollars just to be on the beach. Hawaii is fucking expensive, dude.
Anyways, imagine their surprise when a bright orange duffel bag washes ashore.
The adults on the beach stopped reading their Nooks (woah, remember those?) and approached the bag. One of them opened up his pocket knife and cut along the side. The main zipper on the bag worked fine, he just wanted to be a douchebag and show off his pocket knife. The second that he finished cutting along the side, a mangled hand grabbed the knife and pulled it from the douchebag’s hand. The stench of weed filled the air.
Yeah, Celtic’s alive. Isn’t that a surprise? His mangled and deformed body was shoved into a duffel bag, then thrown into the ocean. What’s that? I already said he was reincarnated into weed? Uh, yeah, but then… hold on while I spin this wheel… God decided to give him back his body because apparently God hates that Sardine bitch too. Okay, fine, don’t read the rest of it because it’s “bullshit.” You really think some autistic, liberal-despite-claiming-to-be-alt-right dumbass can really cause that much damage to San Francisco with a couple of nukes? Fuck off. Sequels generate profit.
Anyways, he grabs the knife from the douchebag and climbed out of the bag. “Is weed legal here?” he demanded. The people were too frightened to answer. There’s no telling what Celtic might do when he gets the knife.
“ANSWER ME, YOU LITTLE SHITS!” he screamed.
“Yes! It’s legal!” someone said, hastily handing him a blunt.
Celtic lighted it with the sheer force of his will alone. He took a long ass draw from it, and instantly ejaculated. He groaned with ecstasy. “Finally,” he said, “a great way for a true-blooded conservative to unwind.”
One dumbass who will end up being the catalyst for the entire story just couldn’t keep his fucking mouth shut and told Celtic, “It’s actually the left who approves of drug use.”
Celtic stared down the dumbfuck. A nuclear rage built in his very soul. He had been called a liberal again. And this time, they would pay.
With sheer fury alone, he disintegrated the beachgoers and flew above the entire city of Honolulu. When he was high enough (hahahahaha) he immediately sent a wall of fire toward the city. This time, though, most people survived because everyone in Hawaii lives under threat of exploding mountains. Yeah, there aren’t any within city limits, but it’s a genetic trait, okay?
When Celtic noticed his attack had pretty much failed, he grew angrier. But he somehow compiled the little brains he had in him and refined his rage. He gave the surviving citizens each a magical blunt that hypnotized them into doing his bidding.
“All hail Celtic! He is always right! All hail Celtic! He is always right!” they chanted, kneeling down to him.
But he’s never right, he’s too far le- oh, wait, I made that joke already.
Anyways, Celtic liked being considered a god by the people. It was the most positive attention he had ever gotten in his life. Normally, he was used to a chatroom full of people, people who hated him. People like Sard, who had the audacity to question his conservative views, the audacity to say that smoking is actually bad for you.
It was then that he realized. Celtic had an entire army of people who could easily take over the entire country of Japan, where Sard lived. Yeah, this was completely impossible and doomed to fail from the start, but Celtic’s an autist, so what do you expect?
He spent the next few weeks plotting his revenge, building a mass amount of nukes. This would be used to take over Japan, even though in reality, he only needed to make two.
When people started to actually care about Hawaii being overrun by Celtic, he had abandoned the island with his entire army, setting sail for Japan. He named a young man named Ahana Kokolele his first mate.
“Great Lord of Weed, Nuclear Devices, The Fallout Series and the Entire Celtic Civilization, we have reports coming in that the Japanese army is expecting us when we arrive at Tokyo harbor,” Ahana told him after what had felt like millenia.
“Gather as many of the Fat Man launchers as we can. They’ll get so triggered by the name that we can take Tokyo in no time,” Celtic replied, smoking a blunt so big even Snoop Dogg would call it cartoonishly excessive. You know, when he wasn’t busy asking people to make memes out of his selfies.
“But, sir, we have no Fat Men. I mean, there’s Kona Kaikeaa, but we don’t have actually nuke launchers.”
“Use whatever weapons you can,” he shouted. “I WILL HAVE SARD’S HEAD!”
Before long, however, the reached the inland shore. “Finally!” Celtic exclaimed. He ran to the bow as the ship prepared to dock into the harbor. Celtic saw a massive force of Japanese soldiers with guns pointed at him.
“NEANDERTHAL COMMUNISTS OF WEEABOOVILLE!” Celtic yelled down below. “FEAR NOT, FOR I AM NOW YOUR TRUE RULER, THE LORD OF WEED AND NUKES. GIVE ME THAT SARDINE BITCH AND YOU WILL BE SPARED.”
The Japanese soldiers looked at each other, thinking.
“I’m that Sardine bitch,” one said.
“No, I’M that Sardine bitch,” another said.
“I’M THAT SARDINE BITCH!” a third yelled.
Eventually, all of the soldiers had claimed that they were that Sardine bitch, defiant, standing up to Celtic with hearts of pure bravery, the kind never seen before by man.
Haha, just kidding. They opened fire and killed everyone except Celtic, Ahana, and a few other crew members.
Celtic’s rage grew and nukes appeared in his hand. He flew upward and threw the nukes down at the army. The more he threw, the more nukes appeared in his hand. It was absolute carnage. Ahana and the rest of Celtic’s army used the nuke attack as cover, searching the entire city for Sard.
Sard had been drawn away from looking at pictures of penis tumors to see what the commotion was about. She stepped outside and noticed Celtic in a fit of rage, throwing nukes. She solemnly raised one finger, pointing directly at Celtic. She opened her mouth to speak, a great aura of true importance surrounding her as she did so.
“Fat,” she said.
Celtic overheard Sard’s words and flew over to her. “At last, the bitch who ruined my life,” he sneered. “I GOT THE KNIFE BECAUSE OF YOU, FUCKING WHORE!”
“Ok,” she responded. She turned her back to him and walked back toward her home.
“WAIT!” he screamed. “BEFORE I BEHEAD YOU, I ALWAYS LOVE...CLAIMING MY VICTIMS AS MY OWN.”
Celtic stripped naked then, revealing his penis, which was actually a joint. This joint was the exact opposite of the Snoop Dogg joint from earlier, however.
She took one look and walked back inside. “Back to listening to Gutalax, I guess,” she said.
Celtic’s men had caught up with him by now. Celtic didn’t notice, however. He was too busy being insulted by his penis being called small. He charged an ultra nuke in his hand, with all his remaining power. He smiled broadly. “GET READY… FOR SOME COCK AND BALL TORTURE!” he yelled.
“God, I wish that were me,” Sard said from inside her house.
Sard had unknowingly bought herself enough time for the Japanese army to regroup. They immediately opened fire at Celtic’s meganuke that he was charging in his hand. After a few shots, the nuke was hit and exploded.
Celtic fell to the ground, barely alive. “M-my body has built up so much resistance to uranium that I’m actually not affected,” he said weakly.
He took a single breath of the contaminated air that surrounded him, and fell to the ground, his claim effectively proven false.
The dead body of Celtic was buried under reinforced titanium so that he could never break free again. The dead were collected. Celtic’s crew was also killed in the blast. Sard was hailed a hero for stalling Celtic long enough for the army to come back and kill him. In her acceptance speech, she said “ok” about a thousand times to thunderous applause.
Ahana wandered the streets of Tokyo. He had not died in the blast; he was busy finding an excuse to kill a male Lucy Heartfilia cosplayer when Celtic had been killed. The power of the blunt had begun to wear off, but the permanent psychological damage had been done.
He vowed to protect the world from threats like the one Japan had just encountered. Vowing to kill stoners and autists at every corner, he became ACTUAL CONSERVATIVE MAN (“FUCKING BITCH ASS KUHNIGGER I WAS ALWAYS A REAL CONSERVATIVE NEGRON WAS THE FUCKING LIBERAL OF CHAT FUCK ALL YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES I’M GETTING THE KNIFE”) and was immediately recruited by Nick Fury for some weird superhero club.
11,603 people died. The end.